Torah Tigers - Exploring the Victory Method by Miriam Adahan

In order to raise children who are kindhearted, hardworking, responsible and cooperative, parents must make a daily investment of time in their children’s education. They must also be living models of the middos they want their children to display, particularly compassion, patience and self-discipline. Children can only learn good middos by seeing parents react to frustrations and disappointments with calm faith.

Children do not purposely or maliciously make messes, fight over trivialities, lose things, break possessions, get dirty, fail in school or misbehave. Being unskilled and immature, the parents must patiently train them to solve problems calmly and respond rationally when they are bored, frustrated, frightened or overtired. When parents hit, scream and criticize, they create resistance, rebellion and resentment. In contrast, if a child thinks, “I’m kadosh [holy],” he will strive to live up to this positive self-perception and think of himself as a person who can resist temptations and be respectful of others.

How can parents get this message across?

The most simple, effective and powerful technique is called the Victory Method. Instead of focusing on the negative, parents teach children to notice, value and report their “victories, i.e., their acts of self-discipline, courage, patience and kindness. When parents do this from an early age, they instill within the child a deep and abiding sense of himself as a person who can face difficulties with faith – in himself and in Hashem.

Torah Tigers provides examples of how to implement this method.

It can be used in the home and in the school, teaching children to be enthusiastic about their spiritual growth.